All I want to do is……… Bicycle!

Today I bagged myself a shop in old Leeds town, a safe place that I actually know my way around. I also didn’t have to spend shit loads of cash just to get there, wait half my life on a concrete platform, nor did I have to inflict my bridges to more miles of crippling walking.

Because guess what… I biked today!!!

Oh yeah! It’s so much easier to mozey on round a city when you have a bike, or at least you think it is. The problem is, is that Leeds is just one big fucking one-way system. Because I’ll get my ass sued if I hit someone on the pavement, biking to Clarence Docks, which is a mighty fair way from Headingley, took a lot longer than expected.

The other problem is with Leeds is that the entire road system is clogged with buses. Now, for those of you who don’t know or who are too lazy to ever bike, buses are a cyclist’s worst enemy. They stink, they’re huge, they’re unpredictable, their wing mirrors stick out further than Lee Evans’ ears, and to wrap it all up the bloody drivers seem to have taken up the sport of cyclist mowing!

This is unhealthy for us bikers, who see the two-wheeled method of transport as a green, save-the-planet effort that should be commended, not challenged by Eastern European bussies.

Anyway, back to Leeds. There’s something odd about the people in Leeds. The city is very much divided into social segments. Up the hill is where the students ‘chill’, with our ipods, hair and baggy jeans. Just off the Headrow are the bankers, with their ties, sweaty suits, and balding scalps. They strut along the pavement, briefcase and shiny shoes, and take no notice of any pleb in the region. Then we get down to the proletariat at the bottom of the hill. This is where the open market and the public transport hub lies, and so attracts the lame, the old and the unhinged. This is also where we find the chavs, the slightly older dole-goers, and the even older Jim Royale style beer-bellies, who support the Reebok Classics and Umbro jumpers that are oh so appealing.

It’s noticeable but not unexplainable as to why sets of people mingle in their own areas of the city. A banker would never see himself down the local market, buying food that has been touched by human hands. Chavs very rarely come up to the university part of town, simply ‘cos there’s nothing there for them, and there are so many students they can’t even pick one off singularly to bully and shout abuse at.

But back to the mystery shop itself. I had to go down to Clarence Dock, a very swanky little development PAST the chavs and the proles and over the river, past the Hilton Hotel (oh yes, bring on the affluency) and round to the canal docking-yard.

I’ve got to say, it’s a snazzy piece of development. Lots of shops, flats and offices all looking over the canal, which is actually clean. The shop itself went fine. But I did please myself with sitting by the canal for a while and chomp my ham sandwich (which of course was fairly bland).

I wondered about the people around here. This is clearly where all the bankers live. Down past the chavs and the plebs and out over the river and next to the canal. A little safe-haven from the troubles of lower Leeds that they have to drive past in their air-conditioned Astons every day (well who doesn’t get 6-figure annual bonuses?).

It disappoints me actually that people are either too posh and up their arse to get around in anything but a car, or else they are too fat and lazy to use anything but public transport. In my entire tour of the city today, I saw two bikes, one of which was mine. That ain’t good enough I’m afraid. There should be Amsterdam-style bike parks all over the city. There should be cycle lanes that don’t just follow the one-way-system.

To be honest I’m not exactly on the verge of urging some mass campaign for the bike, but I would like to see more of them around, rather than a billion child-mowers ploughing through the city.

But then again, Theo and Quint do need to get to school on time before daddy earns a mint from RBS, whilst Kerry and Shane need to get into town early to achieve as much pavement spitting as possible.